FREE to be Me ...

Memories of many trips gone by
Hope that another is very nigh
These adventures I know make younger a soul
Renew, Enlighten, comfort, console...

Gratitude for the quiet splendor
I find the noises just as tender
To sit and absorb, to ponder all matter
But then to welcome the bursts of chatter

Contentment is here, naturally given
It finds us if we are eagerly livin'
My branch of completion within this scene
Includes bits and pieces that are not pristine

It's the Sticks, the sleeping bags, those remarkable ants
The ever dirty hands and grass-stained pants
Gathering dry wood and feeling free
Carrying toilet paper and finding a tree!

And in these simple smudges and snags
Hiding from the rain under tarps and rags
Satisfaction exists, revealed through things small
We have forgotten how to worry at all

This time is quality and the company as well
That is my version, each his own will tell
The fire will flicker and embers form.
Back to our tents tired and warm.

You show up at work, take a seat at your desk, turn on your computer, sign into the usual programs, start plugging away at your stack of tasks; the work-day routine has begun. A routine that is second nature now, after a year of repetition has given it a place. Like a trail in the woods is established one footprint at a time - so you have created a way. Sometimes requiring little effort to progress, other times demanding strict dedication to get through. And even over a well-trodden path it always takes will-power to walk it each day. But today will be different...

Your mind is already processing what must be done, only to be interrupted by the presence of your supervisor and also your boss. Their words are kind, but the message is NOT, and it comes abruptly..... "We have run out of work for you" .... "You are being laid off".....

You can only return their words of kindness and passively accept. You stand up and gather your things with hardly a thought in your head. All communication is fuzzy and your hands move separately from the rest of you. It didn't take long, only an instant, I think you may have been hugged and now you find yourself in the car. This is when your thoughts return and the connections are made. So many at once and none of them consistent.

The commute back home so irregular for these morning hours. Familiar roads looks different - it's the blur of tears in your eyes. The confusion takes a back seat, although it still remains as you try to piece the clues together. But there WERE no clues. It was logically just as sudden as it seemed emotionally. You cannot find the gradual sequence of events that brought you to this moment. Suddenly you were unemployed and Suddenly you felt it.

As this employee you KNOW that your work ethic was solid, your deadlines were met, and your effort were of the highest quality. Your personality is well-suited, your schedule ideal, and your efficiency was reputable. Givin it all you had and more some days. So when the question arises... "WHY?" you should be able to rule out that the news of today had anything to do with your performance. After all, you remember the raises, the advancements, the rewards and the benefits. You should have the reassurance that it really is simply a matter of business and economics - But no, you doubt what you built (For more than a YEAR what you built). You should be sure, but you are not.

And then, since you cannot solve the when or the why, you move on to What will be? This is where tears appear most abundant of all. (Your blurred vision becomes drippy cheeks and wet hands.) It is knowing that your husband is now on his own; the support you provided is gone. A selfish notion that he somehow outranks you in achievement, and you clouded the happiness of his success. Could you have given just a little more for his sake - sacrificed something for his comfort and gain. You know you should have left out the complaints about work - allowing the cushion to exist without resistance. Having this regret, would you know what to do next time? Well, here's a chance to start over new.......But it is TOO MUCH to start over. To back track again. To have him leave you further behind just when you thought your contributions were growing. How do you tell him you lost so much ground and in your own mind so much respect... You don't know how, but you know you will as soon as you can because you can't wait for that hug. He's stronger than you and he will be "just fine" - but you let him down and you will fight with yourself about that. You want to give him the perfect solution and immediately erase the disappointment. You want to replace it all with "the best news ever" or tell him why it is so much better this way.... but you have nothing. No awesome idea or big ambition to restore his faith in you. Where do you begin again. Back to the resume` stage... so far back. You don't want to. You don't WANT to! You just want to go to your desk and get to work - to continue - you weren't finished building...whatever it was that you were building... you don't know What will be...


It will be a test for yourself to see if you have learned a single thing!
Take responsibility for your reactions. Take responsibility for the way you look at your reality. Take responsibility to remain as flexible and open to ideas as possible. Take responsibility for your continuation in other activities that people are counting on you to fulfil. Take responsibility for taking opportunities for other employment. Take responsibility for keeping your sense of humor and your Faith in a higher power.... in his timing, not yours.

Rain, there has been a lot of it! I made a point to listen for people talking about it today. I would say I heard between 10 and 15 separate conversations about it. Funny huh! Some casually mention it, others present their opinion about if we have had enough or not, a few who made comparisons about how much has come this year as apposed to last year. Sound familiar?

It turns out that it is not only fun to listen to the rain, but fun to listen to people comment about the rain. :)

When I went outside today and felt the rain pouring from the sky, I didn't look down, or fold my arms for protection, or walk more quickly to my car, as I normally would - or as a person almost instinctively does. I looked up and it tried to watch it come down..... it poked me in the eye..... but that wasn't really my point. hahaha. It was kind of fun to walk at a normal pace and actually feel it pouring. So when you are walking out of Walmart or the grocery store this week and the rain is coming down, just keep your head up and and walk normal - you're going to get wet anyway - so notice how it sound and how it feels --- and then notice all the people around you looking at you like you are kind of a nut. Good Times :)

So... Jake is in Canada for business this week. He goes about once a month for meetings or training. (Any place from Texas to Washington D.C. ) Whenever I find out when the next one is, I think about the awesomeness of these opportunities. For him to be experiencing all these open doors. The way it is creating options for us and blessings abundant. There is so much to absorb, and I especially admire the way he does it. Observing. He always learns. And it is not only about the plasma business. It is sometimes about people. Sometimes even about himself. If said lessons are tried and proven they find their way into our home and into my understanding as well. Knowledge applied increases his job-skills and, from my point of view, his charm :)

I guess this is a sort of tribute to the process of learning through experience. Whether mine or his, that we are both affected by it...

But today I am stumped, and my gratitude slightly stifled. Trouble is - In order for either of us to gain the experience, extract the lessons, share the knowledge, and apply the principle... we have to be apart. A length of time - sometimes a minuscule length while I stay late at work, but other times quite a duration. This week for instance, is almost a full week. That feels substantial to me. I have no doubt it is in our best interest, that the positive aspects are the significant majority. AND in contrast, I know that we could not possibly tolerate spending every second of every day together. So how is it, and why is it (with these numerous and almost unanimous facts of validation) that I find a feeling of un-satisfaction? The feeling of missing him :)

And my poetic description of said feeling:
Where he used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night!

He'll be back. Leave again and return again. The patterns and blessings I've come to recognize. The longer it is since you see a person, the closer it is to the next time you see them... But I just wanted to put it out there. Missing my Jacob Free. It's the prominent winner of today's intellectual battle. I fought a good fight. ( Did I win? hahaha)

Oh, and I was also thinking... it is kind of cool how being away from someone you are normally around (or having something upset the routine) can bring out what matters to you. It almost puts things in sequence of level of importance....

"Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire." ~Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld,

Do you ever wonder.... What was on that "other road" ?

Do you ever wonder about the other path in life, the road not taken, the choices in life that could have changed everything as you know it? Was it perhaps just a different way to get to the same place? - a more confusing way - a simpler way ? Or would it lead somewhere else entirely? - more crossroads - destinations far from where you are? .... At least it provides an entertaining subject to reflect upon.

I usually don't think much about what might have been (usually because I am more worried about where I want to go and if I will make it. ) Also because my current path is one I am happy to be on, and I am grateful for whatever series of choices I made that brought me here.

.... But then I stumble across "The Road Not Taken," and I begin to remember. I first read the poem when I was in a high-school English class. Words that once made an impact, can return to us perhaps when we need it most.

Here's "The Road Not Taken":

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

"And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."


Maybe, back then, when there was a choice to be determined I thought about where I am now. I think I hoped I would be here.

DO YOU LOOK BACK? ...... TO WHAT??? ..... "THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED BY"?
IS IT WITH A SMILE OR A SIGH?.....