FREE to be Me ...
Monday, August 30, 2010
My buddy Albert...
"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep
your balance, you must keep moving."
---Albert Einstein
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Listening - Not just in the ears.
Have you ever noticed how extremely difficult it is to keep your ears open while your mouth is moving?
Today I am reminded that I am not the greatest of listeners. For the last few minutes I have been trying to recall the details of recent conversations and realize that I am guilty of remembering only my own contributions to each discussion. The majority of what my husband, friends, or coworkers say is often lost somewhere in the space between us.... Well, I can usually pick out the obvious demands or deadlines within the conversations, but any other messages that were sent my way have already been forgotten. You would think that I would focus when the most significant people in my life (especially my amazing spouse) tries to tell me something.
I took a communications class in college in which I learned about "active listening" --- I suppose whether I actually learned it is debatable.
Active Listening. At that time in my life I was truly intrigued by the topic, eager to absorb the concept, and I definitely believed in the principles contained within the lesson. And just like after any good lecture I left the classroom determined to apply this newly acquired knowledge - already a master of the skill in my mind. :) I tested it out, but found out that there are many implications as to how one should "actively listen," and it might take a little practice and a lot of self restraint to do properly. After but a few experiments the idea took a back seat to whatever else I happened to be learning about in the latest lecture and left me to my old ways - my ways of interrupting, of assuming, and of general self involvement during discourse.
Looking back on any piece of chit chat in the last week, and seeing myself from an outside point of view, I know that I have been SO caught up in trying to portray what I feel is important that I FAIL to receive what the other person feels is important -- So busy forming my next thought that I rarely hear their response to my last comment.
I have heard it said that women are generally better listeners than men - that they are wired with more empathy and are therefore more attentive. I must of missed that boat :) because it's the man in our house who knows how to listen. So let me tell you what he does that I do not, and thereby I might learn by observation:
*First of all, listening is about easily establishing a rapport with others. It's making people want to talk to you - or at least letting them know that they can. Something about your presence that let's them know you are approachable, that you are willing to give them your time. (Basically he's just good at smoozing.)
*As I think about it, listening requires a lot of validating - You have to let the person talking know that you are comprehending. Sometimes you even repeat what they say to make sure it came out right. (Whether it's by a head nod, eye contact, or a weird reaction I know he's tuned in.)
*I notice that asking the right questions at the right times is a big part of the equation. Not answering the questions, only presenting them. (He shows curiosity for the parts I am leaving out - and guides my thought process. )
* By using consistant dependable mannerisms, the listener can prevent accelerated dynamics and keep the dialogue from getting off course. (He is the constant objective one that stabilizes all emotion and makes sure there is a solution --- or at least a conclusion. )
Now obviously there are many more elements, and many of those will differ depending on the persons involved and the environment that you find yourself in (say you're talking to your boss in a meeting rather than your hubby in your living room... :) But I really think the patterns for listening are the same, and highly valuable. Just think... I might be able to smooze people if I were a better listener :)
"We should all know this: that listening, not talking,is the gifted and great role, and the imaginative role.And the true listener is much more beloved, magnetic
than the talker, and he is more effective and learns more anddoes more good."
Today I am reminded that I am not the greatest of listeners. For the last few minutes I have been trying to recall the details of recent conversations and realize that I am guilty of remembering only my own contributions to each discussion. The majority of what my husband, friends, or coworkers say is often lost somewhere in the space between us.... Well, I can usually pick out the obvious demands or deadlines within the conversations, but any other messages that were sent my way have already been forgotten. You would think that I would focus when the most significant people in my life (especially my amazing spouse) tries to tell me something.
I took a communications class in college in which I learned about "active listening" --- I suppose whether I actually learned it is debatable.
Active Listening. At that time in my life I was truly intrigued by the topic, eager to absorb the concept, and I definitely believed in the principles contained within the lesson. And just like after any good lecture I left the classroom determined to apply this newly acquired knowledge - already a master of the skill in my mind. :) I tested it out, but found out that there are many implications as to how one should "actively listen," and it might take a little practice and a lot of self restraint to do properly. After but a few experiments the idea took a back seat to whatever else I happened to be learning about in the latest lecture and left me to my old ways - my ways of interrupting, of assuming, and of general self involvement during discourse.
Looking back on any piece of chit chat in the last week, and seeing myself from an outside point of view, I know that I have been SO caught up in trying to portray what I feel is important that I FAIL to receive what the other person feels is important -- So busy forming my next thought that I rarely hear their response to my last comment.
I have heard it said that women are generally better listeners than men - that they are wired with more empathy and are therefore more attentive. I must of missed that boat :) because it's the man in our house who knows how to listen. So let me tell you what he does that I do not, and thereby I might learn by observation:
*First of all, listening is about easily establishing a rapport with others. It's making people want to talk to you - or at least letting them know that they can. Something about your presence that let's them know you are approachable, that you are willing to give them your time. (Basically he's just good at smoozing.)
*As I think about it, listening requires a lot of validating - You have to let the person talking know that you are comprehending. Sometimes you even repeat what they say to make sure it came out right. (Whether it's by a head nod, eye contact, or a weird reaction I know he's tuned in.)
*I notice that asking the right questions at the right times is a big part of the equation. Not answering the questions, only presenting them. (He shows curiosity for the parts I am leaving out - and guides my thought process. )
* By using consistant dependable mannerisms, the listener can prevent accelerated dynamics and keep the dialogue from getting off course. (He is the constant objective one that stabilizes all emotion and makes sure there is a solution --- or at least a conclusion. )
Now obviously there are many more elements, and many of those will differ depending on the persons involved and the environment that you find yourself in (say you're talking to your boss in a meeting rather than your hubby in your living room... :) But I really think the patterns for listening are the same, and highly valuable. Just think... I might be able to smooze people if I were a better listener :)
"We should all know this: that listening, not talking,is the gifted and great role, and the imaginative role.And the true listener is much more beloved, magnetic
than the talker, and he is more effective and learns more anddoes more good."
