FREE to be Me ...

You show up at work, take a seat at your desk, turn on your computer, sign into the usual programs, start plugging away at your stack of tasks; the work-day routine has begun. A routine that is second nature now, after a year of repetition has given it a place. Like a trail in the woods is established one footprint at a time - so you have created a way. Sometimes requiring little effort to progress, other times demanding strict dedication to get through. And even over a well-trodden path it always takes will-power to walk it each day. But today will be different...

Your mind is already processing what must be done, only to be interrupted by the presence of your supervisor and also your boss. Their words are kind, but the message is NOT, and it comes abruptly..... "We have run out of work for you" .... "You are being laid off".....

You can only return their words of kindness and passively accept. You stand up and gather your things with hardly a thought in your head. All communication is fuzzy and your hands move separately from the rest of you. It didn't take long, only an instant, I think you may have been hugged and now you find yourself in the car. This is when your thoughts return and the connections are made. So many at once and none of them consistent.

The commute back home so irregular for these morning hours. Familiar roads looks different - it's the blur of tears in your eyes. The confusion takes a back seat, although it still remains as you try to piece the clues together. But there WERE no clues. It was logically just as sudden as it seemed emotionally. You cannot find the gradual sequence of events that brought you to this moment. Suddenly you were unemployed and Suddenly you felt it.

As this employee you KNOW that your work ethic was solid, your deadlines were met, and your effort were of the highest quality. Your personality is well-suited, your schedule ideal, and your efficiency was reputable. Givin it all you had and more some days. So when the question arises... "WHY?" you should be able to rule out that the news of today had anything to do with your performance. After all, you remember the raises, the advancements, the rewards and the benefits. You should have the reassurance that it really is simply a matter of business and economics - But no, you doubt what you built (For more than a YEAR what you built). You should be sure, but you are not.

And then, since you cannot solve the when or the why, you move on to What will be? This is where tears appear most abundant of all. (Your blurred vision becomes drippy cheeks and wet hands.) It is knowing that your husband is now on his own; the support you provided is gone. A selfish notion that he somehow outranks you in achievement, and you clouded the happiness of his success. Could you have given just a little more for his sake - sacrificed something for his comfort and gain. You know you should have left out the complaints about work - allowing the cushion to exist without resistance. Having this regret, would you know what to do next time? Well, here's a chance to start over new.......But it is TOO MUCH to start over. To back track again. To have him leave you further behind just when you thought your contributions were growing. How do you tell him you lost so much ground and in your own mind so much respect... You don't know how, but you know you will as soon as you can because you can't wait for that hug. He's stronger than you and he will be "just fine" - but you let him down and you will fight with yourself about that. You want to give him the perfect solution and immediately erase the disappointment. You want to replace it all with "the best news ever" or tell him why it is so much better this way.... but you have nothing. No awesome idea or big ambition to restore his faith in you. Where do you begin again. Back to the resume` stage... so far back. You don't want to. You don't WANT to! You just want to go to your desk and get to work - to continue - you weren't finished building...whatever it was that you were building... you don't know What will be...


It will be a test for yourself to see if you have learned a single thing!
Take responsibility for your reactions. Take responsibility for the way you look at your reality. Take responsibility to remain as flexible and open to ideas as possible. Take responsibility for your continuation in other activities that people are counting on you to fulfil. Take responsibility for taking opportunities for other employment. Take responsibility for keeping your sense of humor and your Faith in a higher power.... in his timing, not yours.